WE all have agreements,
some silent.
Silent agreements are the unspoken “rules” of our relationships. They grow from the assumptions, expectations, and beliefs that you don’t talk about but still hold others accountable to.
If you have relationships, you've likely been part of silent agreements. Silent agreements are the implicit "rules" of your relationships that arise from unspoken beliefs and expectations that both parties hold. They can sound something like this:
"The person who makes more money should pay for the dates,"
"My significant other should recognize when I need his/her/their help," or
"My boss doesn't offer me a raise, and he knows I won't ask for one."
They arise from long-held beliefs you have about yourself and the world around you, starting from your earliest experiences and reinforced as you grow and mature. These agreements can hinder your relationships, remaining undiscussed because of fear, aversion to conflict, feelings of obligation, or guilt. And because they so rarely line up and neither person will address the issue, they can cause unhappiness and resentment on both sides.
Clinical psychologists Drs. Anderson, Banks, and Owens will help you define these silent expectations, supplying the tools to explore your agreements and work towards healthier communication with a partner, friend, boss, or family member. In the process, you'll learn more about your own motivations and how to dismantle the beliefs that don't serve you. With guidelines and advice on how to have productive conversations about sex, money, commitment, family, the workplace, and health, you'll learn how to lift the silence and resolve those land-mine issues before they do irreparable damage to your relationships.
Listen up.
Hear how silent agreements form.
“The insightful authors of Silent Agreements offer clarity on how we can approach and resolve those challenging unspoken issues between ourselves and others without fear. They will help illuminate new pathways of understanding and foster open communication in all your relationships. I recommended this very helpful book for anyone who is committed to creating happy, healthy relationships.”
Katherine Woodward Thomas,
New York Times bestselling author of Conscious Uncoupling
What People Are Saying
“We live in an age of ambiguity, in which miscommunication and insincerity are epidemic. This is a time in which people are quick to judge and just as quick to condemn. Silent Agreements is a useful reminder that unexamined certainty is almost, always a mistake. But it is first and foremost a book about clarity and how to obtain it. In this age when we are desperately attempting to clarify rules governing consent, where many remain confused over whether yes means yes or no means no, Silent Agreements is hugely illuminating. For navigating the often-unspoken assumptions that govern relationships between family members, friends, lovers, spouses and coworkers, it is the perfect guide.
— Ellis Cose, author of The Rage of a Privileged Class and The End of Anger
“What a cogent, insightful look at how the agreements we think are presumed and assumed by the very people we most want to understand us rarely are because of what never gets said. This wise book gives profound voice to the inner silences that can trip up all of our relationships, be they with loved ones or workplace partners. A must read for those wanting to be truly heard.”
— Audrey Edwards, co-author of Children of the Dream: The Psychology of Black Success
“Silent agreements: what a provocative idea! The authors clearly describe the kinds of silent agreements that can be problematic at home, work, and play, and provide helpful, and easy-to-implement advice about how to identify and overcome these powerful expectations that may otherwise derail our relationships.”
— Matt Bloom, Associate Professor at the University of Notre Dame
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